The Father, the Son, and a Holy Cow Excerpt

WIFE
Bill, not in front of children.

One child mocks the others.

CHILD
(chanting)
Mama and papa will make babies!

Other children chase this one. Leopold folds the cutouts as Mitch writes up the order.

MITCH
All our plots are guaranteed for eternity, or your
money back. If you have time, I'll show you a
sample grave. Dug yesterday. Very fresh.

HUSBAND
Yeah, I'd like to see that.

EXT. POOL - DAY

Louis is in a hammock, sipping a summer drink from a tall glass.

LOUIS
That was Part One. The second part of
the day was also spent in the instruction
and education of Leopold.

SUPERIMPOSED: Let thine eyes behold the things! -Ps. 17:2

Louis stops drinking and looks at the quote.

LOUIS
The things?

Linda and Leopold are in the pool. Linda holds up visual aids used earlier. She is holding in front of herself a picture of the two hills.

LINDA
Repeat after me: These are the best hills
you will ever find in the county. No sand!

LEOPOLD
These are the best hills…

LINDA
(interrupting)
Very good, Leopold. Show me those hills.

As Leopold is about to touch the picture of the hills, she drops the cardboard and his finger ends up on her breast.

Linda grabs Leopold and goes for his lips. Slowly they sink under water, in a tight embrace.

When they come up, he is dressed as Solomon of the Bible and she - as the Queen of Sheba, both fully dry. They sit in the pool on royal chairs.

LEOPOLD
(singing & playing lute?)
Thy two breasts are like two young roedeer
twins, which feed among the lilies.

SUPERIMPOSED over the image: The song subtitled in Hebrew and the reference: Song of Solomon 4:5

LINDA
(singing)
My beloved put his hand through the key hole,
and my bowels were moved at his touch.

SUPERIMPOSED over the image: The song subtitled in Hebrew and the reference: Song of Solomon 5:4

BACK TO SCENE – Louis in the hammock.

LOUIS
Leopold learned his business well: Part One
and Part Two. Olé!

EXT. CEMETERY/GOLF COURSE - DAY

The part of the cemetery that adjoins the golf course is full of those little plot markers, indicating a sold-out situation. Leopold is measuring the last plot for a CUSTOMER, dressed like a movie Mafioso. It is a big order - a plot for twelve.

LEOPOLD
...nine, eleven, twelve.

CUSTOMER
I really appreciate this. I know it was so sudden
and all. I didn't know what I'd have done with
twelve bodies.

Customer shakes Leopold's hand and rushes off. Leopold sticks in those markers, all the way to the 9th hole and beyond it.

EXT. POOL - DAY

Louis in a hammock is sipping from a tall glass.

LOUIS
I love it, I love it, I love it.
Louis turns and waves at Linda who waves back, as she lies in the nude by the pool. Next to her lies Leopold, nude too.

LINDA
Put thy hand under my thigh.

LEOPOLD
Ibidem.

LINDA
What's that you said?

LEOPOLD
Ibidem. Means the same reference as before.

LINDA
Ibidem!

Leopold complies – he puts his hand under her thigh.


TITLE: VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING. -Num. 14:40

EXT. POOL - MORNING

Louis sits up in the hammock.

LOUIS
This is a true story. It did happen. I should
know. I know the story. I’m the narrator.

EXT. HOUSE - MORNING

Mitch slings the golf bag over his shoulder and walks away from the house, as seen through the Linda’s bedroom window, with Linda in foreground.

INT. LEOPOLD'S ROOM - MORNING

Leopold in bed, sleeping. Three knocks on the wall. Leopold jumps out of bed naked and leaves the room.

INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Leopold jumps into Linda's bed. She touches a button, and the round white bed begins to rotate.

Neon lights flash over the bed: Love me. Love me.
- Gen. 29:32

Another set of lights flash: I will love thee. I will love thee.
-Ps. 17:2

Leopold dressed as Solomon and Linda – as the Queen of Sheba. They are on the rotating bed.

LINDA
(singing)
Abide between my breasts.

Flashes over the bed: Song of Solomon 1:12

LEOPOLD
(singing)
Thy breasts are better than wine.

Flashes over the bed: Song of Solomon 1:1

EXT. GOLF COURSE - MORNING

Mitch trips and falls on the green. It is one of those plot markers. He pulls it out and throws it away, not giving it a thought.

INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - DAY

Linda and Leopold on the rotating bed.

LINDA
(singing)
Thy hair is as flock of goats which come
up from Mount Gilead.

Flashes over the bed: Song of Solomon 4:1
LEOPOLD
(singing)
Make haste my love, my dove, my beautiful
one, and come. Come!

Flashes over the bed: Song of Solomon 2:10

EXT. VEGETABLE GARDEN - DAY

The cow is munching on green vegetables. Louis comes carrying a milk stool and a bucket. Suzie moos.

LOUIS
Milk time, Suzie.

He prepares to milk. He hears the distant Dies Irae.

EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

Mitch swings the club and follows the ball with his eyes. He hears Dies Irae also. He hums along.

The golf ball rolls past several freshly dug graves, past the 9th hole, then rolls into an open grave.

EXT. CEMETERY ROAD - DAY

A funeral procession of twelve hearses approaches the golf course. Many MAFIOSI in black suits and carrying huge flower arrangements follow the hearses.

Male Chorus sings Dies Irae.

EXT. VEGETABLE GARDEN - DAY

Louis stops milking. He stands up on the milk stool and sees the funeral procession in the golf course.

EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

There are twelve freshly dug graves, all the way beyond the 9th hole. Mitch comes up and looks down into the grave.

Mitch’s POV - his golf ball in the grave.

Mitch's face goes "white." He throws the golf bag down into the grave, turns and runs back, carrying one golf club.

He slows down reverently, as he passes the funeral procession. Then picks up speed again.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Louis runs into the house, milk spilling out of the bucket.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Louis runs into Leopold's room, comes out and runs into Linda's room. He still carries the milk bucket.

INT. LINDA'S ROOM - DAY

Louis and Linda are still in biblical costumes, on the rotating bed.

LOUIS
Leopold, let's get out of here!

LEOPOLD
What’s wrong?

LOUIS
Mitch is coming! It’s about the plots you sold
on the ninth green, when he was in Florida.
Remember?

LINDA
You didn't!? He will kill you!

LEOPOLD
I’ll run!

Leopold drop his biblical robe – he is naked.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Mitch rushes in, holding the club high, and yelling like a samurai - AD LIB.

INT. LINDA'S BEDROOM - DAY

They all hear the yelling.

LINDA
That's the ninth hole yell.

Leopold looks for his clothes. He can't find them.

LEOPOLD
My clothes!

Flashes over the bed: Flee away naked! –Amos 2:16

Linda throws him a sexy see-through robe.