When the Turtles Collapse Excerpt

Peggy enters the terrace wearing a very tiny polka dot bikini. Miles gives a whistle.

MILES
Looks like you are trying to impress someone.

Peggy does few poses, as if it were for camera.

MILES
Let's go meet Richard C. Bywaters.

Peggy grabs her bathrobe and follows Miles.

EXT. JAEGER'S HOUSE - DAY

They come out of the house and Miles stops in her tracks.

MILES
I'll kill Harry. He took my car again.

They get into the Land Rover, and Miles revs up the engine. The car takes off
in a cloud of flying gravel.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREETS - DAY

Richard is standing at a bus stop. Land Rover arrives.
MILES
You want to drive?

Miles moves carefully to the center of the front seat, trying not to spill rum-coffee.
She sits straddling the stick shift.

RICHARD
I love to drive.

ALTERNATE AS NEEDED BETWEEN - INT. LAND ROVER - DAY
and
EXT. STREET - DAY

Richard gets in on the wrong side.

RICHARD
Where's the wheel?

He notices the wheel on the other side, jumps out of the car and runs around it.

MILES
You sure you know how to drive?

RICHARD
You must be kidding. I'm American! We invented
driving.

MILES
Then - drive on!

Richard puts the car in motion. He drives US fashion - wrong side of the road for Australia.
Oncoming traffic is in his lane. Richard honks frantically.

RICHARD
(to other drivers)
Hey! Hey, what do you want do - kill us!?

Cars go by, people shout at Richard - AD LIB. Richard shouts back - AD LIB.
He barely avoids a head-on crash.

MILES
Richard! You're driving on the wrong side.
Go to your left! Your left! Left!

Richard barely makes it to the left side of the street, as a huge truck goes
by at high speed.

MILES
Stay on the left side. Drive against the traffic.

RICHARD
You crazy!

Richard becomes frantic - looks left, then right. Honking cars pass him on both sides.

MILES
Get off the road. Go to the side, quick.

RICHARD
Which side? I can't!

MILES
Don't panic. Richard, don't panic. Just do
as I say. Stay to your left. Left!

An intersection is coming up. The red light changes to green and then the onrush of
cars - all heading for the Land Rover.

RICHARD
They're coming! What do I now? Help!

Richard brings the Land Rover to a halt in the middle of the road. Peggy,
frightened into speechlessness, jumps out of the Land Rover. Miles tries to
stop her, but ends up with Peggy's robe in her hand.

MILES
Peggy, get back into the car!

Peggy, wearing the tiny bikini, is in the middle of the street, with heavy traffic
all around her. Drivers slow down, shout - AD LIB - at Peggy.

Peggy realizes how scantily she is dressed, and rushes back to the Land Rover.
Peggy is trying to open the door - the door is locked.

Richard doesn't know what to do - he sits "paralyzed."

MILES
Go, Richard, go!

Richard steps on the gas with Peggy hanging to the outside of the car, on driver's side.
Soon, the Land Rover is blocked by a truck. Richard stops the car.

MILES
Keep going!

RICHARD
(slowly)
I can't.

MILES
(to Peggy outside he car)
Get in before we all get arrested – our picture
will be in all the papers.

Peggy tries to open the locked door.

Richard sits "paralyzed" by fear. Miles reaches across Richard to unlock the driver's door.

Peggy gets into the car, manages to squeeze between Richard and the steering wheel,
and sits down in the middle of the front seat, straddling the gear shift.

They all sit, doing nothing.

MILES
Ok, let's just sit and wait for the police.
We all strip!

Miles takes off her beach robe. She is wearing a topless swimming suit.

MILES
Strip! We all go to jail together. Strip, Richard!

Richard takes off his shirt, and jumps out of the Land Rover. He dashes across
the road, wearing only his shorts. The cars barely miss him.

Miles jumps out of the car, runs around to get into driver's seat. She eases the
car back into normal traffic, left side of the road.

She overtakes Richard, who stays right behind the Land Rover - all the way to the house.

EXT. JAEGER'S HOUSE - DAY

The Land Rover arrives at full speed, with Richard running behind it. Miles and Peggy
get out. Peggy is still dressed in her tiny bikini, and Miles - topless.
Richard collapses in the driveway.

MILES
You're pretty good, Dick. We couldn't shake
you.

RICHARD
(gasping)
Been running all my life.